Choices and Consequences
Me: “Molly, eat your noodles.”
Molly: “No, I don’t want to. I want to eat green beans.”
Me: “Molly, let’s go play with your crayons.”
Molly: “I don’t want do, I want to read books.”
Me: “Ok, this is the last running tackle hug”.
(Molly runs and gives me a hug, knocking me over)
Molly: “One more, want one more tackle hug please.”
I tell Molly to do something and she says no; however, she offers an alternative choice that is better or at least equal to the one I made. Do I stick with my original edict or do I give in? Should I look at the choices and reevaluate based on what is possible and what will make us all happiest, or will that lead to her always thinking she can make the decisions (or that my orders are flexible and not set in stone). Then again, if I stick to my original decision and decide to never change it, maybe she will think I am inherently unfair or that I just make bad choices. I want to be consistent, but I also want to be flexible, is that possible?
I have conversations like every day with Molly and for the most part I give in to what she wants or become come to some kind of compromise. For example, before bed, she will want to watch a show and when it is over she will want another one. And although I said it was the last one, I have the choice of either giving in, having her cry, or maybe a compromise (such as two more minutes, or even ten more seconds (which is surprisingly effective). At this point, it is easier and quicker to get her to sleep if I give her some extra comfort and avoid her melting down. But will that lead to her asking for more and more and always thinking she can bend the rules.
It seems silly to deny my daughter happiness when it is so easy to provide. However, it also seems silly that she cries if she we stop watching little bear before it is over. I think I am hoping that if we make her happy, without sacrificing my own happiness, than it is a good choice. As for the long term consequences, I am just hoping that we teach her not to ask for unreasonable things and that her meltdowns last less than ten minutes (currently they last about five minutes). Any suggestions?
Molly: “No, I don’t want to. I want to eat green beans.”
Me: “Molly, let’s go play with your crayons.”
Molly: “I don’t want do, I want to read books.”
Me: “Ok, this is the last running tackle hug”.
(Molly runs and gives me a hug, knocking me over)
Molly: “One more, want one more tackle hug please.”
I tell Molly to do something and she says no; however, she offers an alternative choice that is better or at least equal to the one I made. Do I stick with my original edict or do I give in? Should I look at the choices and reevaluate based on what is possible and what will make us all happiest, or will that lead to her always thinking she can make the decisions (or that my orders are flexible and not set in stone). Then again, if I stick to my original decision and decide to never change it, maybe she will think I am inherently unfair or that I just make bad choices. I want to be consistent, but I also want to be flexible, is that possible?
I have conversations like every day with Molly and for the most part I give in to what she wants or become come to some kind of compromise. For example, before bed, she will want to watch a show and when it is over she will want another one. And although I said it was the last one, I have the choice of either giving in, having her cry, or maybe a compromise (such as two more minutes, or even ten more seconds (which is surprisingly effective). At this point, it is easier and quicker to get her to sleep if I give her some extra comfort and avoid her melting down. But will that lead to her asking for more and more and always thinking she can bend the rules.
It seems silly to deny my daughter happiness when it is so easy to provide. However, it also seems silly that she cries if she we stop watching little bear before it is over. I think I am hoping that if we make her happy, without sacrificing my own happiness, than it is a good choice. As for the long term consequences, I am just hoping that we teach her not to ask for unreasonable things and that her meltdowns last less than ten minutes (currently they last about five minutes). Any suggestions?
Comments
I try to teach the kids that they shouldn't tell thier parents "no", but rather ask permission for the alternate. If when asked to eat her noodles Molly said "May I have green beans instead?", you wouldn't have such a hard time saying no. This teaches that Mommy and Daddy have ultimate desion making, but that she does get some input.
The other option, is that these kids are smarter, faster and more agile than us......and they always win.
Your big sister
Mikey
So trust her!
I like Michelle's suggested language, but also, you can give her choices. (Molly, would you like to eat green beans or noodles?) She can choose one of your choices, or suggest something herself. If the thing she comes up with doesn't work (she wants cantaloupe but all she's eaten is fruit the whole day), you can tell her why.
Molly let's do something besides watch TV. Would you like to color with me?
Anyway, it sounds like you could just use more flexible language, and that you are already teaching her the valuable and required skill of negotiation.
Love,
Katie
PS Start blogging some of YOUR parenting advice since you guys are so good at it!! xoxooo