I'm not on the juice, seriously.

As many of you might have seen on TV, Major League Baseball is trying to curtail the use of steroids by players. The real issue is that players, like Barry Bonds, are (or were) apparently on steroids and reporters think that these players are cheating. Bonds said that “steroids can’t help hand-eye coordination”, but if getting stronger doesn’t help, than why does he work out all the time? Here is the solution. Below is a draft of a deposition that reporters should continually give to all athletes. The final version would be a legal deposition, in which if a person makes false implications it would be considered perjury (or fraud) and they would be subject to a prison sentence. Barry Bonds can say all he wants that he never used steroids, but why not put his money where his mouth is. If he signed something like this (risking a prison term is he is found to be lying) than I think people would stop bothering him. If he doesn’t sign it, then I say he is guilt. I would love it if MLB made this form an annual requirement for all players. If you don’t sign, you have to give 75% of your salary to charity. Here is the draft...

“In accordance will all legal processes, I swear the all of the following statements are true:
1) I fully understand that if sign this document and any of the statements that I claim to be true, turn out to be false (beyond a reasonable doubt) the I would be subject to arrest of perjury in the first decree (a class 4 felony).
2) I have not knowingly used any banned steroids or human growth hormones, more than five times, in the last five years.
3) I will not knowingly take any banned steroid or human growth hormones in the next year.
4) I will support Dan Lipka in any decision that he makes and pledge 50% of my annual income to him.



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