Apartment Adventures
Although, I can say we have been pretty successful looking at apartments (Lindy and I have several good, affordable places), I feel that I must share some of our adventures.
“This place has a nice ............................................................., ................................., .............................................. ...................................................., ........................................, ..........................................., ..................................., ....................................................., a nice...................living room” – Lawrence, professional real estate guy.
Lawrence runs a little real estate company in Brooklyn with his son. His son was dressed like a late 70’s Italian Casanova (open shirt, big gold necklace, greasy hair, etc.), which was better than his father, because at least it tried to have some style. The son actually seemed pretty sincere and friendly, but since we wanted to see some apartments farther away, so we had to take the company automobile, thus Lawrence had to drive. Ok, first he forgot where the car was. I’m not saying that he didn’t try hard, it was just that he wasn’t very, ummm, intellectual. But I didn’t mind that as much as that fact he was completely disorganized. He was calling places to go see as we were driving there (only to find out no one was there). I asked him far Dyker Heights was from Park Slope, so which he responded, “well, if I take the B-Q-E, which is right around here and drive for a bunch of miles to get to Bay Ridge, than that would take 13-14 minutes, but Dyker Heights is two exits before Bay Ridge. And when you drive from Bay Ridge, which is about 13-14 minutes from here, but a few exits up. So if you go to Bay Ridge first...” (I don’t want to keep writing, it’s too painful. Anyway, the places he showed were terrible. So be it.
“I hope you don’t my collection”
I forget the next guy’s name, but I will refer to him as “the Collector”. When we called, he said he had two apartments available in Astoria, but the landlords weren’t home. But he said the apartments are virtually the same to each and the same as his apartment, and thus we went to his place. He looked like a truck driver, but probably played a lot of dungeons and dragons. So we walk up the unpainted hallway, over the crusted carpet into his “realm”. Here is a .005% inventory of his apartment: fire hydrant, manhole cover on cinder block (acting as an end table), broken pinball game, various 50s style posters, room full of papers, TV with bunny ears antenna, cow skull, assorted antiques (coke bottles, lighters, can openers, tin cans, figurines, kitchenware, etc.), treadmill (on its side, vertically), nice salt water fish tank, tarantula, the tarantula’s post-molt skin. Honestly, there was so much stuff everywhere, it was comical, but interesting. The Collector liked his apartment to stay “virginal”, meaning that no work was done to the original version. This meant that new paint was not acceptable (50% had pealed off the walls). In the end, The Collector was very nice and very helpful. He told us around the history of the area and about his collections and businesses (real estate, ebay sales, etc.) and gave us a tour of the area (including the beautiful view on Manhattan from Astoria Park). He seemed trustworthy and industrious. Although I wonder if his next commission will be used to by an 18th century waffle iron.
I would also inform whoever runs the Internet that there are no good maps of the entire New York City area (that include subways and names of areas). I have created one and will share it with the world when it’s finished.
“This place has a nice ............................................................., ................................., .............................................. ...................................................., ........................................, ..........................................., ..................................., ....................................................., a nice...................living room” – Lawrence, professional real estate guy.
Lawrence runs a little real estate company in Brooklyn with his son. His son was dressed like a late 70’s Italian Casanova (open shirt, big gold necklace, greasy hair, etc.), which was better than his father, because at least it tried to have some style. The son actually seemed pretty sincere and friendly, but since we wanted to see some apartments farther away, so we had to take the company automobile, thus Lawrence had to drive. Ok, first he forgot where the car was. I’m not saying that he didn’t try hard, it was just that he wasn’t very, ummm, intellectual. But I didn’t mind that as much as that fact he was completely disorganized. He was calling places to go see as we were driving there (only to find out no one was there). I asked him far Dyker Heights was from Park Slope, so which he responded, “well, if I take the B-Q-E, which is right around here and drive for a bunch of miles to get to Bay Ridge, than that would take 13-14 minutes, but Dyker Heights is two exits before Bay Ridge. And when you drive from Bay Ridge, which is about 13-14 minutes from here, but a few exits up. So if you go to Bay Ridge first...” (I don’t want to keep writing, it’s too painful. Anyway, the places he showed were terrible. So be it.
“I hope you don’t my collection”
I forget the next guy’s name, but I will refer to him as “the Collector”. When we called, he said he had two apartments available in Astoria, but the landlords weren’t home. But he said the apartments are virtually the same to each and the same as his apartment, and thus we went to his place. He looked like a truck driver, but probably played a lot of dungeons and dragons. So we walk up the unpainted hallway, over the crusted carpet into his “realm”. Here is a .005% inventory of his apartment: fire hydrant, manhole cover on cinder block (acting as an end table), broken pinball game, various 50s style posters, room full of papers, TV with bunny ears antenna, cow skull, assorted antiques (coke bottles, lighters, can openers, tin cans, figurines, kitchenware, etc.), treadmill (on its side, vertically), nice salt water fish tank, tarantula, the tarantula’s post-molt skin. Honestly, there was so much stuff everywhere, it was comical, but interesting. The Collector liked his apartment to stay “virginal”, meaning that no work was done to the original version. This meant that new paint was not acceptable (50% had pealed off the walls). In the end, The Collector was very nice and very helpful. He told us around the history of the area and about his collections and businesses (real estate, ebay sales, etc.) and gave us a tour of the area (including the beautiful view on Manhattan from Astoria Park). He seemed trustworthy and industrious. Although I wonder if his next commission will be used to by an 18th century waffle iron.
I would also inform whoever runs the Internet that there are no good maps of the entire New York City area (that include subways and names of areas). I have created one and will share it with the world when it’s finished.
Comments
Dan wasn't with me yesterday and missed a few. First there was Sammy who I had spoken to a few days earlier. He had an apartment that sounded great but he wouldn't show it to us because it was too inconvenient for him. He told me he'd let me know when he was going to be out there but I had to bring my W2's. So when it was convenient he let me know he'd be there at 3pm and advised me that I should leave the city by 1pm so I would be there on time. On the phone the guy sounded about as dicey as they get-I was compelled to bring my pepper spray but I could have left behind for about another hour while i waited for him to show up... In person he looked worse than he sounded. A trail of grease followed him and was so thick i had to be careful to avoid slipping in it. Luckily he was unaware of it because all the grease that dripped down the front was apparently either caught in his gold chains or absorbed by his thick chest fur. As for the apartment- well let's just say it wasn't quite in move in condition. The wallpaper was peeling off the walls, fixtures not quite attached and best of all the backyard which was completely obliterated by junk. You literally could not see it. At all. It was buried and I imagine the excavation will take years.
So because of Gus I was a little late to meet my next appointment. She was very understanding and personable but long story short- when we got to the first place the key didn't work and she had to have the tenant come down and let us in the building. When we got up to the apartment she fumbled in her pockets for quite a while, pulling out wads and handfulls of unlabeled keys and looking through them all, then trying them all in the door while I stood there practicing zen buddhist patience. Finally we got into the 'apartment'. She had told me it was in a great neighborhood (it was across the street from a John Deere tractor factory) and that it was 4 rooms and all recently renovated. She didn't mention that the rooms might have been nicely sized for fleas, or that the renovation meant that they put in industrial carpet and took out all the kitchen appliances. We never made it further than that. I wish i had the energy to tell you about the Arabic grandma with the gold teeth who patted my belly but made me wait outside until her nephew came to show me the apartment and has sinced called me several times to see if she could persuade me to take the place and to tell me she would 'help me out'. I wonder if her nephew would have to escort us in and out of the apartment?
This apartment search is getting me nervous! Rockland and FREE babysitting awaits. Yo Momma